06 June 2014 @ 11:26 pm
So I was going to update this a million years ago and I didn't.

It's been almost a year.

I feel like a long, personal post, to no one on no where so here it goes.

First of all no one is on here which is probably why I feel comfortable with posting the innermost of what I'm feeling right now here.

I am severely depressed.

As a wise woman once said in a comic that's helped me out a lot 'it's not that I want to kill myself it's just that I don't want to be alive anymore.'

I think my job is really draining which is one of the key factors of my depression. It is both physically and mentally draining. I care for 5000 animals. 5000 animals is a lot of animals. There are 3 people in charge of 5000 animals which means that I am responsible for over 1600 personally if you wanted to break it down in such a way.

Now that's not to say that it's really like that. Probably about 75% of the animals don't need tending after but that leaves 25% which doesn't seem like much but that's over a thousand animals.
As life on a farm will dictate there are a lot of deaths. Some are unavoidable as it's just nature. Some deaths could have likely been avoided if the animals were in a different environment, and some are a result of our direct involvement. The animals are not treated poorly, I would have never taken the job if, at any point, I thought that the animals were being mistreated. That being said knowing we have a hand, in some way, to a good 2/3rds of the deaths is stressful. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't witness death in some way. Be it an older rabbit who we are putting down so they don't need to suffer or a young bunny, who even in nature, wouldn't have made it. It's hard to look at death each and every day.

Not only is the mental aspect overwhelming but the physical aspect is intense as well.

As a husbandry tech my job is not just taking care of the rabbits well being in terms of physical health, it's also taking care of their environment which means cleaning cages.

There is a sort of zen to cleaning I enjoy. I put on an audio book and I go off into my own little world. I chat with the bunnies and the ones in the sections I usually clean know me now and are very friendly (because they know I hand out alfalfa cubes like candy) and it's alright really but it's hard. I scrape and scrub. I'm up and down a ladder all day. By the end of the shift my feet are soaking, I'm covered in grain dust and fur, and I feel like my body is dying.

The worst part about it is I can't find another job. I am literally stuck in this draining job because I have no other options in the state where I am currently living.

On that note I never wanted to live back in this state. I moved back here to be with my now ex-girlfriend of 7 years.

I spent the last six years of my life trying to improve something that was doomed from the start and I spent the last year of my life being used and abused for money. Over 40k was drained. I was going to use that for school, a house, and so much more. Supposedly the people who 'loved me', friends and otherwise, prayed on my kindness and took me for all I'm worth. It was the final straw for me and my girlfriend. $40,000 is a lot of money and in less then a year it's gone. I spent most of it trying to give her the lifestyle she wanted and never was the favour returned. I fixed her car, I bought her farm animals, I let her and everyone else pray on my weakness for helping others and my desperation for people to like me. Then when the money ran out so did the kindness.

Seven years is quite a long time to be with someone and then be thrust out on your own.

Regardless of how good or poor the relationship was I was left without anything to stand on. My world was taken from me. The only thing I have known for seven years was gone and with the relationship gone so did most of the support.

The longer you are close to someone the longer you isolate the outside world. It becomes you and them against the world. About 5 years ago I decided to become 'sober' in the sense that I do NOT drink hard alcohol anymore and when I do drink it is never in excess, never. I was an alcoholic. A true blue alcoholic. So much so that I even lost where I was living for quite some time and was living on the streets. I will never go back to that lifestyle, however, that means cutting off all the friends and temptations that I had who were in the same boat I was. Her friends became my friends and when she and I were no more I was left to fend for myself with no ones hand to old. Not even a friend.

I am a very happy, bubbly, person however I suffer from a great deal of anxiety when it comes to social interactions. I think that's why I've always found roleplaying and writing comforting. I can lose myself in a world of my own design. A world I have control over. Unlike my own. I can put on a mask and even when there's drama in roleplay land I know that I'm in total control of it all.

But even that is no more. Having several characters and players attack my own over the past few years and force my hand to write them in awkward and unfulfilled circumstances has left me drained in something that once brought me extreme enjoyment and not having that to fall back on, even when I try and make new and exciting characters, is a blow to ones ego and doing a desperate dance to try and recover what little I had has left me looking more of a prat perhaps then I first was seen to be.

I work 45+ hours a week at a job where I'm a temp so I don't get paid nearly enough and don't have any benefits, I come home to an empty house except for the dogs and sit in silence for hours and hours at a time, and don't have anything, not even my favorite hobby writing, to distract myself. Which as led to a sort of breaking point I suppose. I have never, truly, had a breaking point in my life before so I've no frame of reference for this sort of thing but I was sitting in my car the other day in the Shaws parking lot crying my eyes out because I don't know what defines happiness but I know I'm not feeling it at all.

I suppose, in a lot of senses, this is all whinging. I'm just having a bad go of it and eventually things will sort themselves out but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through all of this. Especially by myself.
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[personal profile] matildawaltzes_79 on June 10th, 2014 08:01 am (UTC)
I love you Flo-bot. Wish I could give you a hug right now.
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