06 June 2014 @ 11:26 pm
So I was going to update this a million years ago and I didn't.

It's been almost a year.

I feel like a long, personal post, to no one on no where so here it goes.

First of all no one is on here which is probably why I feel comfortable with posting the innermost of what I'm feeling right now here.

I am severely depressed.

As a wise woman once said in a comic that's helped me out a lot 'it's not that I want to kill myself it's just that I don't want to be alive anymore.'

I think my job is really draining which is one of the key factors of my depression. It is both physically and mentally draining. I care for 5000 animals. 5000 animals is a lot of animals. There are 3 people in charge of 5000 animals which means that I am responsible for over 1600 personally if you wanted to break it down in such a way.

Now that's not to say that it's really like that. Probably about 75% of the animals don't need tending after but that leaves 25% which doesn't seem like much but that's over a thousand animals.
As life on a farm will dictate there are a lot of deaths. Some are unavoidable as it's just nature. Some deaths could have likely been avoided if the animals were in a different environment, and some are a result of our direct involvement. The animals are not treated poorly, I would have never taken the job if, at any point, I thought that the animals were being mistreated. That being said knowing we have a hand, in some way, to a good 2/3rds of the deaths is stressful. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't witness death in some way. Be it an older rabbit who we are putting down so they don't need to suffer or a young bunny, who even in nature, wouldn't have made it. It's hard to look at death each and every day.

Not only is the mental aspect overwhelming but the physical aspect is intense as well.

As a husbandry tech my job is not just taking care of the rabbits well being in terms of physical health, it's also taking care of their environment which means cleaning cages.

There is a sort of zen to cleaning I enjoy. I put on an audio book and I go off into my own little world. I chat with the bunnies and the ones in the sections I usually clean know me now and are very friendly (because they know I hand out alfalfa cubes like candy) and it's alright really but it's hard. I scrape and scrub. I'm up and down a ladder all day. By the end of the shift my feet are soaking, I'm covered in grain dust and fur, and I feel like my body is dying.

The worst part about it is I can't find another job. I am literally stuck in this draining job because I have no other options in the state where I am currently living.

On that note I never wanted to live back in this state. I moved back here to be with my now ex-girlfriend of 7 years.

I spent the last six years of my life trying to improve something that was doomed from the start and I spent the last year of my life being used and abused for money. Over 40k was drained. I was going to use that for school, a house, and so much more. Supposedly the people who 'loved me', friends and otherwise, prayed on my kindness and took me for all I'm worth. It was the final straw for me and my girlfriend. $40,000 is a lot of money and in less then a year it's gone. I spent most of it trying to give her the lifestyle she wanted and never was the favour returned. I fixed her car, I bought her farm animals, I let her and everyone else pray on my weakness for helping others and my desperation for people to like me. Then when the money ran out so did the kindness.

Seven years is quite a long time to be with someone and then be thrust out on your own.

Regardless of how good or poor the relationship was I was left without anything to stand on. My world was taken from me. The only thing I have known for seven years was gone and with the relationship gone so did most of the support.

The longer you are close to someone the longer you isolate the outside world. It becomes you and them against the world. About 5 years ago I decided to become 'sober' in the sense that I do NOT drink hard alcohol anymore and when I do drink it is never in excess, never. I was an alcoholic. A true blue alcoholic. So much so that I even lost where I was living for quite some time and was living on the streets. I will never go back to that lifestyle, however, that means cutting off all the friends and temptations that I had who were in the same boat I was. Her friends became my friends and when she and I were no more I was left to fend for myself with no ones hand to old. Not even a friend.

I am a very happy, bubbly, person however I suffer from a great deal of anxiety when it comes to social interactions. I think that's why I've always found roleplaying and writing comforting. I can lose myself in a world of my own design. A world I have control over. Unlike my own. I can put on a mask and even when there's drama in roleplay land I know that I'm in total control of it all.

But even that is no more. Having several characters and players attack my own over the past few years and force my hand to write them in awkward and unfulfilled circumstances has left me drained in something that once brought me extreme enjoyment and not having that to fall back on, even when I try and make new and exciting characters, is a blow to ones ego and doing a desperate dance to try and recover what little I had has left me looking more of a prat perhaps then I first was seen to be.

I work 45+ hours a week at a job where I'm a temp so I don't get paid nearly enough and don't have any benefits, I come home to an empty house except for the dogs and sit in silence for hours and hours at a time, and don't have anything, not even my favorite hobby writing, to distract myself. Which as led to a sort of breaking point I suppose. I have never, truly, had a breaking point in my life before so I've no frame of reference for this sort of thing but I was sitting in my car the other day in the Shaws parking lot crying my eyes out because I don't know what defines happiness but I know I'm not feeling it at all.

I suppose, in a lot of senses, this is all whinging. I'm just having a bad go of it and eventually things will sort themselves out but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through all of this. Especially by myself.
16 August 2013 @ 10:10 pm
So I didn't update yesterday, sadly, thanks to a very upsetting personal issue.

Sadly Chekov didn't do so great at his training. In fact he bit the trainer. Twice. So I may or may not have to give him to one of my friends for a while, if he doesn't mind my parents can't take him cause there are kids and stuff and if he bites them things could get really out of hand really quickly. One of the reasons we were taking him to a trainer was because he tried to bite one of the neighbor kids. I don't want him being put down just because he's nippy.

She knows him and he loves her dog (almost more than Moose). So it wont be hard to give him to her cause I know he'll be taken care of and I'll him and so will Moose and maybe, when I come back from England and I can focus on him. It's really sad. I've never had this much trouble with a dog. He wasn't worked with at all by the people we took him from.

I've also had a pretty shitty day today for other reasons but I don't want to talk about them anymore. But it basically has to do with a bunch of assholes in the RPing community that I'm a 1000000000000% done with.


One of the reasons I'll be sad about Chekov leaving is because he really is a sweet dog. I do love him an awfully lot. I mean despite driving me crazy sometimes (especially because of what he did in my last rant) he's just so freakin' cute and sweet. I adopted him as basically a favour and it's just holy balls sometimes. He's been an adventure. But this woman has a lot of time on her hands (she works from home too) and would love to take him in so that's good. I know he'll be safe and sound and I can see him again.

Anyway this week on top of working with Chekov I've got Leena because my parents are going to Wisconsin to visit some family friends. My parents don't trust Leena with anyone after the escaping from doggy daycare incident so I'm watching her and I don't mind at all. Moose is going to be so tired by the end of this week though!

Pictures of the monsters inside! )
11 August 2013 @ 09:21 pm
Home of the Clockers!  
So I'm trying to do a post a day to sort of get myself into the habit. I'm also going to try and take pictures too, just to get in the habit. Even if they are of stupid stuff and not high quality!

Anyway I almost didn't write today as it wasn't a very good day. I had to spend a lot of hours editing a project I'm working on and it was hard and kept fowling up so it was getting super frustrating.

Plus my day didn't start out so well.

We just adopted a dog whose doggy-mother had cancer and couldn't take care of her kids and the dog but he's nine months old and I don't think he was really worked with at all and some days he drives me insane but today I honestly wanted to kill him (I would never hurt my dogs, know this now, they are my children but there are some days when yes, you even want to throttle your children.) he started off the day with waking up at six in the morning stepping out of his bed and pissing all over the floor. He didn't whine, go to the door, or try and wake me up like normal. He just went 'well I have to go so I might as well'. This is the third time he's done this (after having a month of no accidents!) and I don't understand where this is coming from. Then he proceeded to try and eat my coffee table after an hour walk and giving him a brand new soup bone (both the dogs got new soup bones today) I heard chewing that didn't sound like the bones and he was eating the corner of the table when I went to check! So into the cage he went.

He stayed there for an hour or so until I let him out on good behavior. I let Moose and him play and after a hour or two all was quiet. Even as a puppy my baby girl has never been destructive. She's always either napped or chewed on one of her toys, and my dog before her mostly just slept or hung out in the yard we had in Brooklyn barking at stray cats. So to have a destructive dog is a little new to me so I didn't think much of the silence.

I should have known better.

He's a lab whippet mix so he's not that big really. He looks like a whippet with lab colourings. Anyway he got onto the chairs, onto the kitchen table, into a box that I was working on packing, and stole a 5000 dollar professional microphone and destroyed it. I fell down in tears when I saw that he'd done that. Moose has never destroyed anything of mine like that and I felt so disheartened that he would pick that of EVERYTHING I OWN to chew. I'm never going to be able to replace that. That was given to me in class by a teacher whom I sort of had a thing for, who I'll never see again cause he moved to India, as a gift. There are 4 baskets of toys in this house. Several bones. I just bought two new kong treat toys that they BOTH know if they bring them to me I fill them up treats. And THAT'S what he chews after already peeing on my floor and chewing on my coffee table.

I was so angry I had to get him out of the house and out of my sight so I tied him up in the yard and he tried to bite the neighbor kid who was petting my other dog. My 100 pound pitbull is lying getting head scratches and 30 pound Chekov goes mental and tries to bite a kid!?

If he continues on this fashion I will not be able to keep him and that makes me so sad cause every dog I've ever owned has lived and died with me. But this sort of behavior, especially the biting since it is not play nibbling, is unacceptable and I'm trying my hardest to train him and make him mind and it's discouraging. He has an appointment to see a professional next week and if he's unable to get it together rehoming might be my only option. I know just a home he'd be brilliant in with a couple of my dude friends so I know he'd be safe with people I know as they already said if push comes to shove they'd take him in but it's sad because I love my pets and want to do the world for them. /Sighs.

Other than that my day was really uneventful considering I worked most of it though today I took a trip into Bellingham to my aunts old house to try and see if they had something that was left behind in the house.

Fun fact time!

Most of you (and I should say two because only two people read this as far as I know hee) but I'm in the Boston area but I'm not really IN Boston. I work there and stay with my friends quite often but I actually live 30-ish minutes out of the city in a bedroom community called Ashland.

You've probably never heard of Ashland but if it wasn't for Ashland you might not have the alarm clocks you have today! Ashland is the home of the electric clock! There a clocks everywhere and the highschools mascots are the 'Clockers' I don't know what their actual mascot is I didn't grow up around here obviously. But it's actually fairly interesting! One of the neat things about this area is that almost all the houses built during a certain time, like my grandmothers, have outlets built high up in the wall so you could hang your electric clock without having to look at the cords running down to the bottom of the room! They are mostly in the living areas of the house, not the bedrooms, but it's fascinating. I don't know if they still work (nor am I willing to test it) but most people wouldn't have a clue what they're for!
Pictures beneath cut! Sorry for the quality, my good flashes are packed away. )

This has ended up being a long rendition of a short story. But to be honest I need something to focus on other than Chekov driving me crazy. So anyway one of the benefits of growing up in a place where clocks are revered my father actually used to build them! Growing up we used to have about 7, he has a lot less now since he doesn't have the time to keep up with them, it used to drive my friends CRAZY cause they would chime on the hour and half hour and they all went off about 2-3 minutes apart so he could hear all the chimes. Having grown up around them I never heard them. Every now and then you'd catch one going off and it always seemed to be the last so you'd listen for all the chimes and hear nothing.

One Christmas he made one for my aunt and one for my grandmother. They're VERY lovely but when my aunt passed and her house was sold they sold everything in the house with the house and I drove out to Bellingham where she lived to try and get in contact with the owners to see if they still have the clock. I'm doubtful but that would be nice to have both of them back in our possession. My mum really wants my aunts one too because it's blue whereas my grandmothers is green (which if they DO have the clock I'd take the green of course) They were not home and I left a note so I hope they see it and call me. If not then it's not a big deal.

So maybe you've learned something today! Or maybe you already knew it! Either way it's a very boring post I know but if I don't keep up with myself then I wont get in the habit.

10 August 2013 @ 06:34 pm
So I've never really established myself to one certain place. Even when I was living in a city I've always moved around. I've since making the jump across the seas I've moved with my parents 7 times, moved myself personally 14 times (including three different cities) and never really stayed in one place for longer than a two years if even.

I've always had an amazing wanderlust and my finances have always suffered from that. However one of the ways I've combated my struggling bank account is to sleep in my car.

On top of having a terrible wanderlust I am never satisfied in my choice of cars, well not all of them have been my choice. Anyway a long story short in eight years of driving I've had eight cars. The last car I had, my favorite, was unfortunately totaled and I wanted something cheap and reliable (but we wont even get started on the trouble it's given me! Though knock on wood that's over now.) and managed to find a 2000 Volvo XC with low mileage. Despite a few hiccups it's proven to be one of the best cars I've ever owned. It's very comfortable and SO roomy! I'm very excited because with this car I can either lay down the back seats and sleep there or the front seats can lower quite a bit and are leather and SO comfy.

Images beneath cut! )

As you can see it is a bit of a roomy tank of a car! I'm pleasantly surprised about the space sometimes. I've fit quite a bit in here before.

I'm very excited to take this car on my road trip. I think of all the cars you could sleep in this is a good choice especially since most of the stuff I'll be taking with me will be strapped to the top of my car. The only real downside is the fact that it's AWD. That means it's good in rain but who knows how much I'll encounter, probably not a lot. Even though it's an AWD vehicle I have to admit it's alright on gas (certainly not like my Ford Focus which got 42+ MPG highway) It has a HUGE tank and gets about 30ish which isn't terrible really just not as good as it could be. And the charger is a bit of a bitch sometimes, the electrical in the car is slightly fucked up so sometimes it acts weird all the important parts work perfectly but sometimes the windows and charger acts up.